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Banks of the Boneyard
The Journal for the Association for Computing Machinery at the University of Illinois in Urbana-Champaign
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Volume 20, Issue 9 April Fool's Edition 2002
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Election Results Contested Parties debate heatedly over L510
recounts by Dave
Goodell, ACM Press
Results from the recent elections show the Top-downican candidate
winning by a slim margin. Proponents of Chris Mullen
claim vote tampering and other general "shadiness" from some of the L510 users. "The election seemed very fair," commented Nasko Oskov, a SIGMil chair coincidentally voted Member of the year. "Shady? I don't know what you're talking about... Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bail someone out," he later added. Mullen issued a press release urging an official investigation to "divine the will of the voter." SIGOps chair Kuan Chen has offered to head up the investigation in return for a pizza budget. Meanwhile, fellow Bottom-upocrats are filing freedom of information requests to try and prove the rumors that members of defunct groups SIGBio and the Be Users Group "voted" in this election. Many analysts feel that Green LED Party candidate Shahrukh Syed helped make the election this close by taking liberal votes away from the Bottom-upocrat Mullen with his policies of change and increased freedom. Exit polls show that Syed managed to garner votes from the back room of the office, especially with the pro-choice MacWarriors. He also appears to have won over IFV with his lack of knowledge about the debate that had been raging in recent Exec meetings over the Sachs Alien & Sedition Amendment. Syed is well known for his book on the 8086, "Unprotected at any speed.
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Chainsaw Attack Kills 1, Injures 8 By Josh Michaels
The ACM printer "Chainsaw" known
by many as "The Printer From Hell" attacked ACM Administrator Ben Staffin on Saturday killing him and injuring several other individuals. Staffin was attempting to make Chainsaw work with a Linux print server when Chainsaw apparently took control of the machine and announced "I HATE LOOONIX!." Several ACM members discovered Staffin hours later lodged in the print sorter while attempting to print out a CS257 assignment. "The printer display said 'PC LOAD LETTER,' which prompted me to examine the paper trays and the sorter," said SIGUnix member Philip Lowman who was also injured. "I found Ben all wound up in the sorter - I had no idea a printer could be so evil," he told us. Chainsaw attacked ACM members a second time as they attempted to save Staffin, injuring 8 students who were in the ACM office at the time. "I feel so guilty," said the ACM president. "I'd been nagging him to fix [chainsaw] for weeks. He said there were problems, I had no idea they were this severe." Though no one was present at the time of the initial attack, logs indicate that the ACM soda machine "Caffeine" may have also aided in the attack. Chainsaw was destroyed and dumped in a corn field by members of SIGMil and in an apparent attempt to avenge Staffin's death, ACM's primary printer Scribble was also disposed of by SIGMil.
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Copyright © 2002 ACM@UIUC (217) 333-5828 1225 Digital Computer Lab 1304 W Springfield Ave Urbana, IL 61801
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Layout and Design: Editor in Chief: Banks Online:
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The Banks staff encourages readers to submit letters to the editor, articles or artwork for future issues. If you would like to help in any way, please email boneyard@acm.uiuc.edu
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