by Paul Watts
The detailed history of this establishment has been clouded in mystery, but now the secrets which DCS has devoted so many resources to keep private are coming to the surface. In the early '90s, angered by the whole half-hour it would take to get a pizza delivered, a bunch of TAs and research programmers working in the heart of DCL set out to build a pizza parlor INSIDE DCL. Chuck E. Cheese was given the opportunity because the programmers needed the games and fun shows when they got stressed out too much. When they realized the magnitude of the repercussions this would have among the CS community, they realized high security was essential.
Joel Jones, one of the few people who still has access to this Skunk Works of DCL, explains the secrecy behind the project: "They didn't want the word to get around that there was a Chuck E. Cheese in the building, or else there would have been chaos. It needed to be secret, and we made sure it was kept that way." And to make sure they did. DCS has spent $23 million dollars to build protective smell- and sound-shields around the room, so the smell of pizza and the sound of games would not spread through the rest of DCL. As Joel explains, "You know the money that guy‹oh, you know, the guy who invented the PH meter‹the money he gave us? Most people think that went into creating some building on campus. Nope. It all went to the Chuck E. Cheese."
So who gets access to it? Not many. With more security than Node Zero and more secrecy than the Freemasons, few people can ever hope to enter the Chuck E. Cheese Society. If they do get the chance, however, they must first go through a grueling test of manhood.
"They forced me into a small room and made me rewrite UNIX in 6502 Assembler," explains Joel. "All the time I was fed only Grog's pizza and Tab. In the background they played reruns of 'Double Dare.' It was an experience"‹pausing, a noticeable tear coming to his eye‹"I wouldn't want to repeat again." Despite these scars of his initiation, Joel says he wouldn't give up the thought of getting into the Chuck E. Cheese. "It was like you were part of the Elite. People couldn't touch you because they knew you were a part of that group. You were made."
Times are changing, however, and Joel said the Chuck E. Cheese must change with them. That is why he decided to betray his oath and expose this most Secret of Secret Societies. That brave move by Joel is the only reason we are able to bring you this exclusive story.
Update: After this interview, Joel Jones disappeared for two whole days. When we caught up with him again, we asked him some questions about the Chuck E. Cheese. He said he didn't know what we were talking about, and asked why would anyone believe that there was a Chuck E. Cheese inside DCL in the first place.